Why Are You Resistant to Counseling?

“Will you marry me?”

As far as grammar goes, it’s a simple “Yes/No Question”.   

But, “in matters of the heart”, the effects and ramifications of this little question – are anything but simple.

It was at the stroke of midnight that this question - and its answer – was my sole priority.   

While revelers around the globe rang in the New Year, my task was simple.  My thoughts were focused.  My emotions were a mess.  As the “ball dropped” in New York City; and one calendar year flipped to the next; I was poised to “pop the question”.     

In the beginning “seconds” of the year 1987, I longed to hear one word from my girlfriend Lisa.

After three years of friendship, thousands of miles of distance, and a ton of wishfulness, I had found “the one”.  I was “in love” and I was more than ready. 

Within a matter of seconds, as Lisa said, “Yes”, she shifted from being my girlfriend - to being my fiancé.  In that moment, we agreed to become “engaged”.  Like gears in an automobile’s transmission, we were now supposed to be in-sync.  Mesh.  But, let’s be honest. I did not recognize, nor was I prepared for the “engage” part of this season called “engagement”.   

Looking back, I am so thankful for God’s “six-month premarital workshop”.  But on January 1, 1987 – when Lisa enthusiastically said, “Yes!” - I sure didn’t see what was coming. 

When Lisa and I had decided to become “more than friends” in June of 1986, we made an agreement.  We agreed to “explore the potential of a long-term relationship” at least until the end of the year.  In other words, in spite of anything that “life would throw us” we were committed to stick it out – at least through December 31. 

Our first three months of dating went along as planned. I stayed with my friend Mike, and his wife, in Pasadena. Life settled into a bit of a routine for both Lisa and me.  Lisa still struggled with the complications of her mystery illness.  We both worked for “temp agencies”.  While neither of us had much money, we had time.  And, we enjoyed a lot of motorcycle rides in the San Gabriel Mountains.  

The first challenge came at the end of September 1986. This challenge was “distance”.  

I started teaching English as a Second Language at a university in San Bernardino.  While this job gave me a steady income, the price was a two-and-a-half-hour roundtrip commute.  To make it more manageable, I started sleeping on the floor in a storage room in the garage, of my third family.  (See “Three Families & a Rock Band”.)  This was in Pomona, CA – about halfway between San Bernardino and Pasadena. It reduced our time together to phone calls in the evenings, and dates on weekends.

The second challenge happened in early November.  This was “a lot more distance”.  

Lisa’s dad had a heart attack in Tennessee.  She immediately flew back to be with her family.  Her dad passed away after being on life-support for 10 days.  Partly to recuperate, and partly to support her mom, Lisa remained in Tennessee for the rest of 1986.   She decided to take time to grieve and to be with her family.  They were also dealing with the added loss of a 25-year-old brother who had been killed a year-and-a-half earlier in May 1985.

As December 1986 drew near, I was tired of the distance.  I wanted Lisa with me.  I was ready to “extend our commitment” and make our relationship permanent.   

So, I made a plan. 

I flew back to Michigan.  Drove to Tennessee; met Lisa’s family; and spent Christmas with them. Then, Lisa rode back with me to Michigan to meet my family.  Finally, just after midnight on the first day of 1987, I borrowed the living room of my friends, Steve and Jan. I told Lisa that I loved her and wanted to continue our relationship for the rest of our lives.  I asked her to marry me. 

Lisa said, “Yes”.  Wedded bliss was just around the corner.  Well – almost?

After getting engaged, Lisa and I hit the ground running.  We had a wedding to plan.  June 27, 1987 was the date we set for the big day.  For the next six months that date became the focus of our lives.  Plans were made.  Money spent.  A myriad of decisions got completed as the months marched along.  A wedding ceremony was being coordinated, and the foundations of a marriage were being formed. 

Like lots of grooms, before and after me, I was not nearly as involved in the details of the wedding as the bride was.  I was a support, but more often than not, I was an observer.  When the topic of who would officiate our wedding came up, we worked together on the decision and chose the pastor of the church that Lisa had been attending for several years – which was becoming my church home too.  It was a fairly straightforward decision. 

But, when the topic of premartial counseling came up, it was anything but straightforward.  We found ourselves at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. 

Lisa was predisposed to using a professional Christian counselor, and had a strong opinion on the topic.  Her best friend and roommate, and soon to be Matron-of-Honor, had been an intern at a Christian Counseling Center in Pasadena.  She would often “practice on” Lisa with her counseling techniques and personality testing.  Lisa had also received some counseling there with the director, Dr. David Gatewood.  She had developed a trusting relationship with him.  So, when it came to a decision on premarital counseling, Lisa felt that he was the best – and that’s what we should do.

I had a different opinion.  

All I saw was how much each session would cost – and the money we didn’t have.  I was also a bit baffled by the need to have a professional counselor tell us about marriage, especially since thousands of couples get married every weekend.  I thought, “What’s the big deal?”

This subject was my introduction to Lisa’s “determination” - and her well-developed analytical skills.  To say I was over-matched would be a gross understatement.   She knew what she wanted.  I did not. We were on the road to discovering something really important in our marriage.  Our decision-making styles, and some of our values, were really different. 

Trouble loomed on the horizon.

Before we were to attend our first session, we were each asked to separately take a personality test and send it in to the office.  I agonized over the test.  Believe it or not, I had made it through college; was in my 30s; and I had never taken a personality test before.  In fact, I had never been to a professional counselor.  It was not something I had ever seriously considered before.   

As I read through the test, it didn’t make any sense to me.  So, I randomly answered the questions.  Then, I went back and fiddled with some of my responses.   Then, I fiddled some more.  I wasn’t angry, or obstinate, or hostile.  I just didn’t understand the exercise, and felt that it was a waste of time. 

I can still remember meeting David Gatewood for the first time.  We had a 7:00 pm appointment – which was at the end of a full day of teaching, and in the midst of a 120 mile commute in Los Angeles traffic.   I was happy to be with Lisa, but I was tired, and very leery of this meeting.  My defenses were up.  I wasn’t relaxed at all.

After a prayer and a few minutes of introduction, Dr. Gatewood turned to me and without any further preamble, he asked, “So, why are you resistant to counseling?”

Whoa!!  Wait a minute!  What did you just say?

Stunned!  I couldn’t believe it.  I had barely spoken a few sentences to him.  I wondered, “How did he come up with that?”   “How can I be resistant, when I am sitting in the room – paying for this?   If I was truly resistant, I wouldn’t be here.  Right?”

I thought “How can I get us past this topic?”  So, I stalled.  I waffled.  I babbled.  But, nothing worked.  David Gatewood kept drilling down on why I was resistant to counseling.  He was fixated on it – while I flopped around like a fish out of water.  I was desperate to get off the hook.  If I had been on guard before the session, I was now totally off the charts.  My adrenaline was pumping.  My mind was racing.  “What did I do to deserve this?” 

This was certainly NOT what I expected premarital counseling to look like.  Because. This.  Was.  Awful!

Needless to say, my approach to the personality testing must have been more hostile than I had realized.  And since I was now in “full-blown-resistance-to-counseling-mode” - it took a couple of additional sessions to “work through my resistance” - before we got to the usual premarital topics – much to the consternation of my wallet. 

But, I learned some dramatic and invaluable things about myself during those sessions.  God used David Gatewood and the premarital counseling process to profoundly shape me to be a husband that Lisa could love, respect, and trust.   

Yes, I was resistant to counseling.  I am not a rebel by nature, so it wasn’t a conscious act.  But I didn’t like being pigeon-holed.  I didn’t like being stereotyped.  I didn’t want to be labelled because – intuitively - it always felt like the label was incorrect.  It restrained me, so I fought it in a passive-aggressive sort of way.   The way I answered the questions telegraphed a true underlying resistance.

The bottom line was: I didn’t know who I was. 

I was insecure, indecisive and tentative.  It was probably one of the reasons it took a while to attract a “Type-A” person like Lisa.  I was always “hedging my bets”.   In many respects I played it safe, and tried to minimize what I thought was “risk”.  I was slow to make decisions because I couldn’t give a reason.   I thought a man was supposed to be analytical, so when it came time to make a decision – I waited – until I thought I had enough reasons to proceed.    As a result, I could sometimes be a painfully slow decision-maker.

Lisa, on the other hand, was analytical; a first-born child; an extrovert; an administrator, a problem-solver; and a decision-maker.   She was a natural leader, and I was not.  And, I was starting to slip into a pattern of deferring decisions to her - until there was a defining moment in one session.

The most transforming moment of our relationship was when David Gatewood quietly turned to Lisa and said, “Do you realize Randy’s intuitive?  (Pause) Do you know what that means? (Pause)  He may not be able to give you a reason behind a decision, but he does have a “sense”.  The question is “Can you trust him?”  He went on, “Here’s an idea.  The next time you face a decision together, try it out.  Ask him what he feels.  Go with his “intuition”, and watch what happens.  See if you can trust him.”   

Knowing that it was okay to be intuitive empowered me.  I no longer needed to waffle or take my time.  I was released to trust my instincts.  Often throughout our marriage when faced with a decision, Lisa would ask me, “What does your gut tell you?”   We would pray and then trust my “God–given design”.  The freedom to be intuitive transformed my ability to lead and make decisions. 

And, by the way, nowadays, I have no problem making decisions.  While I still can’t always give a reason for the decision, that’s okay.  It’s just not how God made me.  And, you know what, I’m okay with that too – because I really like the way God made me.  And, I love how Lisa and I complement each other.

AS I REFLECT:  

Our premartial counseling was absolutely awful.  It was grueling.  I hated it.  And, I’m probably one of the few grooms in the world that categorizes his engagement as part of a major valley experience. 

But, it was the best thing we ever did. 

I believe that it saved us years of grief in the long run.  I am very thankful for the ministry of David Gatewood.  He “engaged us”.  He helped us understand each other, and establish a godly and healthy marriage relationship.  I am very thankful for Lisa’s persistence to use David Gatewood.  

Yes, it was well worth the money we spent.  And, Yes, I would do it again.  Absolutely!!

Lisa finds it a bit ironic these days, when she hears me actively promoting premarital counseling to an engaged couple.  I am now an advocate.   She also finds it quite amusing to overhear me asking my coaching clients to take a personality profile, and then, to walk them through the results.  

She says, “If his clients only knew.”   Oh, I guess now they do.  Oops.

There are times when Lisa and I encounter an unusual situation in our marriage.  In a moment of levity you may hear me jokingly say, “We need to ask David Gatewood for a refund.  He never prepared us for THIS topic?” 

But, all joking aside, the skills that we had to painfully work through before we were married were foundational in helping us establish our marriage.  They truly helped us to “be engaged”.  

They have served us well over the years.  

And, they are priceless.

 

Next Time: Searching for Summit

 

Photo Credit: Image by romanakr from Pixabay